Fear that He is Having an Affair
By Robert Elias Najemy

Life Story no. 3

Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She has no concrete proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid, disappointed and deeply hurt. She also feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, and quite insecure, not to mention angry.

Mark is not actually having an affair yet, but is interested in a woman named Marsha. Until now, they have had long conversations, but both are very hesitant to make that step of coming together physically. Mark wants to continue to see Marsha without Wendy knowing. He wants to be with someone who "understands" and 'accepts" him.

Wendy frequently complains to Mark about family problems and how she feels that she is sacrificing her time and her professional satisfaction to be with the children without receiving much in return. She feels hurt that Mark does not appreciate her sacrifices and needs him to show her more love and affection.

Ever since the children were born, it has been difficult for Mark to perceive Wendy sexually, and she is not receiving the affirmation she needs from him as a woman. She feels used.

Also, her incessant nagging makes her even less inviting to him and he avoids her, physically and emotionally.

She perceives this as rejection, and now that she suspects he is seeing someone else, her need for affirmation is even greater. She has become increasingly critical, accusing and demanding.

The further she pressures him for attention and love, the more he feels the need to avoid her. The more he avoids her, the more rejected and betrayed she feels.

In her own way, she is pushing him away from her. By not giving her what she needs, he is augmenting her negativity, which then bounces back at him.

They are growing further apart and no longer enjoy each other's company.

Belief Analysis

Both need to look at and transform their belief systems in order to create a more lively and truthful relationship. Each needs to take responsibility for his and her reality. They can help each other create happiness.

Wendy may be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1. My self-worth is dependent upon being loved exclusively by my husband.

2. I am not enough for my husband.

3. I am the victim in this situation.

4. A wife should sacrifice her career for her husband.

5. I have lost something important in life by leaving my professional life. I am a victim of social programming.

6. My husband does not love me.

7. If my husband does not love me, I am not worthy.

8. I am not safe in the world by myself and especially with the children.

9. I am in danger of being alone.

10. I need my husband in order to feel safe and worthy.

Mark may be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1. My wife doesn't understand or accept me.

2. When she complains, she is rejecting me and I am demeaned.

3. I cannot feel my self-worth when she is rejecting me.

4. My freedom is in danger.

5. I might be happier with someone else.

6. I need someone who accepts me as I am and doesn't complain.

7. I cannot be happy when suppressed by this family situation.

8. I cannot feel sexual with my wife when she is trying to control me.

9. I cannot see my wife sexually when I think of her as the mother of my children.

Some beliefs which each could develop in order to free up their love and solve the problem:

Wendy might benefit from some of the following beliefs:

1. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my husband's interests or behavior.

2. I am a vital and interesting woman, enough for any man.

3. I create my reality and life gives me exactly what I need to learn my next lesson in my growth process.

4. My husband and I have equal rights and responsibilities toward work and the family.

5. Whatever I do with love cannot be a loss. I have lost nothing by giving myself to my children. The highest profession on the planet is that of the mother: our future depends upon it.

6. My husband loves me, but is controlled by inner obstacles towards expressing that love.

7. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my husband's feelings or behavior.

8. I am safe in the world as I am.

9. There are millions of beings with whom I can connect if I feel the need.

10. I am safe and worthy in my self.

Mark might benefit from some of the following beliefs:

1. I want to understand and respond lovingly to my wife's insecurities at this time.

2. I recognize her complaints as an expression of her unfulfilled needs and seek to fulfill them as much as possible.

3. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my wife's satisfaction or behavior.

4. I am a free soul.

5. Happiness exists within me and does not come from an outside source.

6. I accept and love myself as I am.

7. I love my family and gladly surrender my other needs for their welfare.

8. When I focus on my wife, I perceive the being I originally loved on all levels, even physically.

9. I love my wife. I want her to be happy and I behave accordingly.

10. I would never want to behave in a way such as to hurt my wife

Robert Elias Najemy is the Founder and director of the Center for Harmonious Living in Greece with 3700 members. His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at http://www.amazon.com/